May 24th, 2017 - All I Want...Is To Talk To Him

Dear Diary,

Last night we talked until...late-ish?  I didn't expect him to still be up after my shower since he told me he was pretty tired.

I wasn't tired, but I felt like I should go to sleep fairly soon.

Things didn't go according to plan.

Gosh, now that I think of it...I'm so vain....I really only want to sleep earlier so that my eye bags won't get any worse.



Anyways....we launched into this comparison thing where someone was more _______ than I am....and we took turns.  It might just have been me, but he was taking forever to reply.  Granted, he probably replied within a minute, but....like, what else was he doing?  I kinda expected a constant stream of replies almost immediately after I said something.  I started to drift off because of this.  I wanted to tell him that I wanted to go to sleep....but I also didn't want to...because....well....he finally had time to talk to me....and I don't know when I'd get a chance to talk to him....again.  So....I continued to converse with him....even if I was starting to get tired....it made me happy....when I told him to go to sleep...and he refused.....he'd rather stay up to talk to me!  That....gave me a nice feeling....if only he could reply sooner....

Finally, when I worked up he courage to tell him that it's time I go to sleep, I find out that he's already asleep.

Ugh.

Anyways...today...I had a dance performance.  I thought I'd text him in the morning....told him how badly my foot hurt since I sprained it yesterday....I was hobbling down the stairs of my home and all that.  He didn't reply.

After my performance...I tried again...I said hi...and he replied less than a minute later....I got so excited....I replied back....but then he didn't reply...which made me sad again.  Apparently he still had problems with his car he had to deal with.

I didn't even have dance today....I could have...we could have talked....oh wells.

Science test....I tried AGAIN.  I texted him, and he replied....and then didn't.  He still had stuff to do.

After school, I TEXTED HIM AGAIN, and he was STILL busy.

You know, I thought that now that his school is pretty much over, we'd finally get to chat more.  But he's still as busy.  Maybe even more....I've hardly talked to him at all today.

I feel like.....like....I'm losing him.  And he's not even in Waterloo yet!  We barely talked today!

....all I want to do is talk to my favourite guy....for longer than a few minutes....is that too much to ask?

I'm losing him....I really am.  His life is too busy...he doesn't have time for me....and I would hate to have to ASK him to make time for me in his busy schedule.  He needs someone else....someone involved in the same things he's in...that way...they'll actually get to spend time together....and she won't be crying all the time, lamenting the lack of conversation she's had with him.

I'm sore, my ankle hurts, my brother has crushed my ankle so many times already today (and I get blamed for it), I don't know....I'm just in a mad mood, and the only way I will cheer up is if I get some time...to talk to him.  But he's busy helping out at this concert...some concert....and he hasn't even told me how long it'll last yet.  I'm just waiting......waiting for when HE can talk to ME.

I keep telling myself that I won't message him first anymore...because I can never know when he's busy.....but gosh, my fingers are itching to send him a message....they're itching so bad.

Whatever happened to updating each other on the stuff we do?

When...no IF he gets the chance to talk to me tonight....I want to send that bear sticker where the girl bear jumps on the guy bear and gives him a big bear hug....but I also....can't.....I need to stay depressed...I HAVE to.  I need to commit to this.  I refuse to be happy.

***

Update.

I was on Facebook....procrastinating on doing work because....I just don't feel like it....and I probably couldn't concentrate on it anyway.  My thoughts have been consumed by the inevitable day when he leaves me for Waterloo.

I was just...meandering around on Facebook, waiting for him to become active again.....he finally becomes active!  And....I pull myself back just in time....from sending him a giant bear hug.  He's tired...annoyed....okay.

I ask him for his plans for the rest of tonight....hoping that it'll be an easy rest of the night, HOPING that he'll have TALKING TO MY FAVOURITE GIRL on that list of his.......he's done it before....I almost expected it from him....

But guess what?

I wasn't on his list.

He tells me of all these things he has to do...practice violin....look through his many photos....nothing about me....I'm not in his plan......

See?  I told you....I'm losing him.  I'm losing him to everything else....all his interests, his responsibilities, his mom, everything.....

*sigh*