May 2nd, 2017 - PROM

Dear Diary,

Today, could have been a good day.  I had some challenges such as reciting poetry at the annual coffee house, and teachers to confront about my absence on Friday (I missed a math test I wasn't prepared for.  I also had a GT interview.

All that turned out okay!  And Patrick did his exam today, and he seemed like he was happy with how it turned out!  We both celebrated together during the beginning of second block.

Then everything else happened pretty uneventfully, which was great!  Then I got jealous of my sister when she decided that she would rather work on PARTNER acro tricks with a friend of mine for NEXT year's dance show instead of practicing the chinese dance I have with her for THIS year's show.  I'm hurt.

After school, I complained to Patrick about my day.

Suffice to say, it didn't go well*.
*and I won't even mention how he mentioned something about feeling like he wasn't to enough for me.  And to that, I say HA!  Not enough for you?!  NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU!?  That's funny, because just the other day, we had this long talk about how I wasn't good enough for you.  And you have no idea how hurtful it was to hear that.  But you know what?  At least I stayed.  At least I tried to make you feel better even though I really wanted to go to bed because it was almost 3 am.  I stayed.  And I talked to him for over an hour, trying to make him feel better.  It wasn't even about something that I made HIM mad about, it wasn't directly related to him at all!  And after over an hour of trying to make him feel better, I didn't have the strength to try anymore, and broke down myself.  I wasn't adequate for him, was what he was saying.

And that brings me to the existence of this post.  PROM.

Gosh, I hate that word right now.



I've always had this crazy fantasy that for prom, some guy would ask me to go with him.  It's silly, I know.  But can't help it.  Ever since I watched shows where guys ask girls out to prom and making a big deal out of (and I realised that this wasn't just a thing that the americans had), I began to get excited.

I always pictured myself at my locker one day, or sitting at lunch, and some guy would come up to me, someone I know, of course, and he would have this amazing dance routine planned out with a group of his friends.  Then he would sing and try to woo me.  A bunch of people in my locker hallway would all have known of his plan, and would be there to watch.  When he was finished, he would present me with flowers and maybe a small gift.

These were all very nice fantasies...until I realised that I probably wasn't popular enough, or pretty enough for anyone to even consider asking me.  It was a sad thought.

Then came summer of 2015, I met a guy who actually liked me.  And I started to hope again.  That maybe he would plan out something elaborate.  Even though he went to a different school, I'm sure if he wanted to, he could definitely work something out.

Then grade 11 came along.  I saw some guy do exactly what my fantasy guy did to this girl.  It was so sweet.  I also had this talk with Patrick, he didn't want me to go to prom with anyone else, apparently. Who knew!  Certainly not I, since he never asked me himself.  I told him that I would go if a guy asked me.  Long story short, I ended up telling/promising him, and myself that I wouldn't go, unless I was going with him.  He never specifically asked me if I wanted to go to prom with him.  Guess he sneaked/skipped out on doing that.

But I still had hope.  He would do something super cute and romantic when it was closer to prom. Fast forward to grade 12, and now he's debating whether or not he really wants to go to prom with me.  I had to ask him.  I had to ask!  Can you believe that!  Prom tickets aren't cheap, I get that, but he should have known.  There's some references he has to ask for, and an interview with the principals and counselors he has to attend, but....if he loves me enough, he would do it without hesitation, right?

Nope.

I told him the deadline (which is a week from now), and he told me he would let me know in two days.  And you know what, a few months ago, I asked him already, and he said he didn't think it was worth it.  I told him how unhappy I was that he didn't think I was worth the money and the trouble, and he said "nevermind!  I'll go with you because you're worth it."  Or something like that. TOTALLY didn't hurt my feelings.

I gave him two days to think it over, he said yes.

So, great.  I kept my eyes on the lookout for the form that would have to be filled if I wanted to bring a guest to prom.

When the form was finally out, I asked him again.  To be sure.

He still wasn't sure.  I gave him another few days.

He told me he was sure.  So I mustered up all my courage and asked the office for a form.

That was...about two or three weeks ago.

I asked him again a few days ago to clarify his references and date he wanted the interview to be.  He was unsure ago.

Gosh, there's only so much damage my ego can take, and at the moment, not only is it damaged beyond repair, it's also completely unrecognizable, and, oh!  It was put in a pyre, and the ashes have been blown into the air.

Please understand that I'm not completely unreasonable.  If he didn't want to go, he can just tell me. I'll be sad, yes.  I'll be mad, also yes.  But it's not like I'm going to stay mad forever.  Switching his decisions every few days on the other hand....that's...just mean.  How can he do that to me?!  Does he have any idea how much it hurts me?  Every time he has to THINK whether I'm worth it or not?

Need I remind you of my fantasy to be surprised by a guy and his elaborate plans to ask me out to prom?  No?  Good.

He's already told me that that's not his style, he's too SHY, too BUSY to do it.  So, fine.  I can accept that.  But now he's keeping me in suspense and making me frustrated by not giving me a straight answer?!

I'm on my KNEES, I am willing to BEG him to go to prom with me.

This isn't how this works!  HE's the one who is supposed to ask ME out!  HE is the one who is supposed to surprise me!  HE is the one who should be planning out this romantic way to convince me to go with him!

Just because I'm already his girlfriend......

Does that mean that he just gets out on doing all this stuff?  If so, can I go back in time?  Can I make it harder on him?

Guess my mom was right.  I DO need to play hard-to-get, otherwise, the boy won't work hard to keep me if he knows he already has me.

And you know what else angers me?!  I got an extra copy of the form today in case the first form was filled out wrong.

When I got home, locked myself in my room, and changed into comfortable clothes, I took out the form and tore it.  Fine.  If he didn't want to go with me, if he was just too afraid to tell me that the interviews, the money, the time, none of it was worth it even if he could spent time with me, then fine.  He doesn't have to make the big decision.  I'll just make it for him.

That ripping sound of paper.....ah.  So satisfying.

So I continued to tear.  Over and over again, I wanted to tear the sheet of paper into so many pieces...I want it to be unrecognizable.  I wanted to tear until it was impossible to tear any piece any smaller.

He doesn't want to go to prom with me.  I'm not worth it.  I'm not worth $120.  I'm not worth his time. I'm not worth his money.  I'm not worth the interviews.  I'm not worth the effort.  He doesn't want me.

He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't 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doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want me.

He doesn't want me.

***

UPDATE: I wasn't planning on talking to him for the rest of the night, unless he talked to me first.  I was at Boston Pizza when I sent him a few Snaps and beat his score on Nom Cat.  He sent me a snap, and told me that he "was a dumb dumb"  It was such a switch from his silence and hostility....it was shocking.  He thinks he cane get mad at me and then try to be nice and make up it up to me just like that?  UGH.  I wish he tried harder.  He needs to do a lot more for all the pain he caused me!  No just a simple apology like always.  I wish I didn't forgive him so easily.

*sigh*