March 21st, 2017 - On Break

Dear Diary,

UGH.  It's happened again.

I said something he didn't like.

Is it wrong for me to get mad or something?!

And things were going so well....

He seemed so happy....so excited today....even though I was going to Victoria Island....and wifi was...troublesome...he still wanted to talk.

He wanted to talk about how sexy I was...telling me about how other girls put on so much make-up in the morning they pretty much have to put on their face.  But I'm different.  I'm pretty without make-up.  How sweet.

Then he asked what else we should talk about...and I brought up how the other day he told me to forget about a meeting.  And how upset that made me.  I mean...you can't blame me for still being upset for that, right?!  I was really looking forward to it!  We rarely get to meet!  He PROMISED that he would find a way to meet even if my mom or his mom said no.

And what do you know...?!  It's HIM that doesn't want to meet me.  It's HIM that's stopping us from meeting.  WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

He starts to apologise...but I tell him that an apology wouldn't work this time.  I wanted him to tell me that we would still meet.  I was WAITING for him to tell me that he didn't mean it and he still wants to meet me this weekend.

He started....he said that he didn't mean it...but he didn't say the rest of it...instead he says that he'll go kill himself instead.  Like...really?!  Why must you always bring up suicide and make ME try to comfort YOU?!

For once....just once, can't YOU try really hard to actually CHEER me up and not just complain about how horrible a boyfriend you are?!  PLEASE?!

Anyways...he said a bunch of kinda hurtful stuff.  Stuff I can't help but keep reading....stuff like....

"Oh, and, don't bother telling me when you're back.  Or sending me a message at all. The last thing I need is you making me more miserable.  And since it seems like that's why you decided to talk to me, I have more important things to be doing for my future."

Okay, firstly, HE DOESN'T WANT UPDATES FROM ME?!  I could die...and he wouldn't know then.  Oh, I hope I DO, see if he'll regret asking me for not updating him.

Secondly, YOU've made me plenty miserable many, many times.  But I never say that to you, do I? Because I know that people have these things called feelings.  EVER HEARD OF IT?

Thirdly, that is NOT why I was talking to you. If it was, I would have brought up every single thing you said the past few days to make me upset.  I would groan, complain, rant about everything I don't like about you.  But I didn't, did I?  I didn't.  Instead of doing homework like I'm supposed to, I'm taking a risk to talk to you because I want to enjoy a nice conversation with you.  GOSH.  Always assume the worse of me why don't you?

Fourth, better things to do for your future?  Does that mean I'm not part of your future anymore? What happened to all those times you told me that I AM your life.  And the only reason why you're going through all this work is so that WE can have a happy life together in the future.  And since you don't really care about YOUR life, doesn't it automatically just default to me?  Wow, that actually sounds pretty good, now if only I had the bravery to tell him that....

What else did he say....

"I'm taking a break from us.  And you know what?  Yeah.  I have a problem.  I don't like it when things don't go the way I want them to.  Shame, cause, pretty much everything in my life hasn't been the way I wanted it to.  Be.  And I didn't need you to make one more thing...that I so desperately wanted to go well, turn sour.  Happy now?  You get a break from me, I get a break from you.  Maybe you should try dating someone else in that time.  Maybe that'll work out for you.  And then, this break won't just be a break.  It'll be an end.  I'm sick and tired of live.  Enjoy the time away from me.  You'll certainly get plenty.  BYE."

Ugh.  Okay, so...firstly, a break from us?  Does that mean what I think it means?  Does that mean you're breaking up with me?!  Indefinitely?!  You CANNOT do that to me.  You can't.  It's unfair. You always tell me all your insecurities about me finding some other guy, ME breaking up with YOU because you're horrible....but now...YOU're leaving ME?!  You told me never to leave you, but you can't even do the same for me?!  Are you for real?

Secondly, yes, I know...our relationship hasn't been going that well....this month especially, my calender shows lots of events....negative ones.  But I think that's only because you were so busy with school so we hardly talked...so we bother got kinda upset?  I was hoping we would finally get to change that during spring break...but....NOPE.  Guess it's not happening.

Thirdly, NO, I am NOT happy.  Not happy at all!  This isn't what I wanted.  Why are you doing this to us?  I was miserable after you said that.  Miserable for the rest of the day.  You had better have one mighty good apology when you decide to apologize and ask for my forgiveness.

Fourthly, NO, I will not go date someone else.  I've invested too much in you.  Besides, I don't think I could find a guy better than you.  Even if they aren't as incredibly sensitive as you are, he'll probably have some other flaw.  I like you.  Why won't you like me back and let's be happy? 

Fifthly, NO WAY.  This will not be the end.  You WILL send me a message again and we WILL talk and make up like the silly teenagers we are.  Don't you think for a second that this is the end.  Nope. Nuh-uh.

Sixly, sick and tired of love, huh?  Since I'm assuming you're not cheating on me...there's only my love.  Your mother's love for you is familial so that doesn't count.  You're sick of MY love?  MY love for YOU?  I didn't know that was even possible.  You're always telling me how glad you are that I love you...and now you tell me you're sick of it?!  You're...you're...impossible.

Seventhly, what's with the capitalized "bye."?  Just to make it look more final?  Just to make me think that you're serious about possibly never seeing me again?  Ha.  Nice attempt.  But it didn't work.  You know, sometimes I do wish that I wouldn't be so stubborn and just leave you.  You have way too many problems with me.  I'm absolutely sure you could find another girl.  One who is even better. One who is smarter.  I feel like I'm holding you back.  I mean, c'mon, I haven't even received an acceptance from UBC yet, and you have...along with several other schools.  I'm too dumb for you. Let's just face it.

Anyways.  After I got to Victoria, I found that there was SHAW wifi!  And it was pretty good, too! We could have talked...if you didn't so rudely say goodbye to me, dangit.

I was also at this rock store for quite a while.  They had SHAW wifi there, too.  Could have messaged you.  I did, actually.  I mustered up all my intelligence to (hopefully) say something nice back to you, even if I thought that it was completely your fault for overreacting in the first place.  I said something heartfelt....something I'd hoped you would see as an olive branch.  But nooooooooo, you waited till sometime late at night to reply.  And all you said was okay and enjoy your trip....even know I was already home by then.  I didn't tell you though.  You said you didn't want any updates.  

Throughout the day, I tried to assume a positive attitude so no one would suspect everything...and I guess it kinda worked?  

But then my mom finds out I was messaging you earlier and yells at me.  I didn't have to talk to you, you know?  But I did, and not only did I get yelled at from my mom, you had to go ahead and break up with me, too and make it doubly not worth it.

My sister also pulled my hair really hard and it made my neck jerk to the side at an unnatural angle, I heard several cracks, too.  No one else seem to noticed it and I didn't want to make it a big deal...but gosh, I wish she had critically injured my neck so I had to go to the hospital.  I wonder what you'll say to that when/if you ever know.  

Then there were those pesky love songs playing.  Like, seriously?!  It's like the stereos KNOW that you just broke up with me and they're rubbing it in.  UGH.

Anyways.  

I've said enough for one post.

YOU WILL BE BACK.  I KNOW IT.  IF ONLY I KNOW WHEN....

Yours truly, 

A very frustrated and conflicted Lizzy