March 24th, 2017 - Day 3 of Silence

Dear Diary,

.....it's been three days and I still haven't heard a single word from him.

I couldn't sleep last night.  My heart ached so much.  I also had a stomachache, a strange kinda....also from his absence, maybe?  I kept thinking.....what if this really is the end? After all we've been through....this CAN'T be the end....right?

I think it's entirely unfair to me.  He can't just tell me he's taking a break and not tell me when he's coming back!  He can't!  It leaves me with a sense of...unrest?  

I don't think it was very nice of him....

I cried last night....I've been crying every night since his last message.

Then, this morning....I woke up...kinda early-ish?  I tried to go back to sleep though...I didn't want to get out of bed.  Is this a sign of depression?  Am I getting depression....what, three days after he leaves?  Is that....too extreme?

But...I suppose I should be kinda relieved that I feel so miserable with him gone.  Perhaps it's a sign that I truly love him.

It's 3:25 now and he hasn't been active for...over 13 hours.  I wonder if he's still sleeping....I wonder if he is as miserable as I am right now....or if he's just busy doing work.

I'm hoping for him to read the post from yesterday about Broken Friendships from my other blog and SAY SOMETHING.

I feel like this could be "the true test of love".  I mean....after all those tortuous things I went though....if he doesn't care enough to ask how I'm doing....or send some kind of message...maybe he's really done with me.  I suppose....it's possible he hasn't read it yet....

*sigh*

I don't want to be the one to send him a message first again.  For once...is it too much to ask that HE sends ME a message first after an argument?

***

Listened to more of the Heartbreak playlist on Spotify....Sia's Breath Me reminds me of  the the movie Cyberbully...when the girl was going to commit suicide....I wonder......

***

Update:  oh, I miss him so much....I missed him enough to go stalking him through his Facebook profile.  I needed to see signs of life from him, and not just a 'Active now' on Messenger, but hopefully a post of some sort.

I didn't get one, but I scrolled through his time line and read through some stuff...he is like a totally different person when he's not around me.  He has....a different life.  A pretty good one, too...filled with friends.  Unlike me.

I saw his birthday wishes from last year.  I scrolled through most of them...only read the ones with more than one comment, or the names he's mentioned before.  Namely, Bianca and...Juliana.  There was also a Catherine, too.  So many GIRL friends....no?

And how many guy friends do I have?  NONE.  Oh, there was that one time there was this nice guy on MeetMe, I think...he wanted to talk to me again because he liked my company.  Our chats weren't even sexual, just ordinary...we talked about the WEATHER, school...all that good stuff.  And let's not forget about Blair....he was a good friend....until I said goodbye to him because of Patrick.

So...how come he can have so many friends of the opposite gender, but when I have friends with the opposite gender he becomes this cranky human?

Okay, granted Blair was being sexual.  But the other guy wasn't!

Anyways...getting to the point here because it's getting late and mom wants me to go to bed.

I saw a picture with him and Bianca in it.  They were so close together...sure he says they're JUST FRIENDS, but they're really, really GOOD friends.  And the spend everyday at school together.  I don't even go to the same school as him!

They both looked so happy in that picture....almost like a couple.  A great couple. Their...complexions match.  Their faces match.  I think they would be a great couple.  And if he chose her over me...I think I could accept that.  She seems like a great person.  Of course, my feelings would be severely damaged....but if he's happy with her....(I'm sure she'll be happy with him), I think I could accept that arrangement....

I stared at that picture for a good long time.  And then I just started crying....she's so much better for him than I am....I'm holding him back.

And then there's Juliana...he says she has another boyfriend now...but they have so much more history together than he and I do.  She posted this collage of them together....acting all silly, having so much fun....

*sigh*

Then there was this Catherine girl who went to go get Starbucks with him.  He made this funny face, too.  I think he had fun.

Anyways...I also stared at his 'Active now' a good many times today, always ended up crying when I stared and stared and he never replied.

*sigh*

How long does he want to continue this?  I want to give him a piece of my mind!
But I'm scared.
Will we ever be the same again?
Would I kill myself because of him?
I might fail school....

Yours truly, 

Miserable and Depressed Lizzy