May 22nd, 2017 - He's "Decided"
Dear Diary,
Today is quite possibly the saddest day of my life. The words I've been dreading to hear...have finally been said.
Today started out like any other day.
Except I was happy! Happier than usual! Especially happy when he finally got back from his hiking trip. Happy, happy, happy.
Fast forward a few hours later....and I end up finding out that his mom told him to pay the deposit for Waterloo. Tonight.
My heart sank.....so....so....low.
Several messages later, I find out that 50/50 has now become 100/0. He's not coming to UBC with me. He's going to Waterloo. Because his mom, and pretty much EVERYONE else told him to.
I warned him before already that I would be mad if he ended up going to Waterloo. I asked him to forgive me. I want to be happy for him, I really do. But I also don't want him to leave me. For...who knows how long?!
I was so angry....so upset. Reasoning and future plans aside (because I really couldn't think reasonably at that point), I started to think about how if I were...prettier...smarter...just BETTER in general, I'd be enough to keep him here. But it seems I'm not. I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I'm BAD. And...remind me again why he's still with me?
*sigh*
I'm so upset. I was at my grandma's house when he broke the news to me....and I really wanted to cry...but with both my siblings in the same room as me...I couldn't. Instead, I had to STUDY for my literature test tomorrow!
UGH.
I don't know....I mean..I guess...somewhere....deep...somewhere....I knew that him going to Waterloo was a definite possibility...but can you blame me for wanting to believe otherwise? Can you blame me for hoping against all hope that...he would choose me? To stay with me? I mean, sure....he says that him going to Waterloo will be better for OUR future...but what if...what if...our relationship can't survive this? What then? There won't be a relationship worth planning for. What then?
I get it. It IS his life...and he....can do whatever he wants to do with it. I'm only his girlfriend for...what...a year and a half? And that's nothing compared to the rest of his life....compared to what his MOTHER wants. I don't really have much power...
I admit....I'm DREAMED about going to the same school as him. Ever since we had this one conversation....I'm been DREAMING, HOPING, that even though I missed so much of his life, and he's missed so much of mine (read: elementary school, secondary school), I'd finally have a chance of going to the same school as him.
We might have classes together! We could walk to them together! We could sit together! Oh, we'd pay 100% attention to the teacher, for sure! He'd playfully nudge me every now and then...flick me...maybe even sneak in a kiss or two! It would have been wonderful...absolutely wonderful. We would have had the same professors, same classmates....we would finally know the same classmates...same professors....we could talk about them...we'd have stuff IN COMMON. I've always wanted a friend who I felt this comfortable with...someone who knew the same people I did, someone I could talk to...and not have to explain my whole life story in order for them to get it....I've....dreamed....hoped.....this could have been a very true reality for me....
Side note: he's mentioned several times (when I was struggling with the math side of thing) that he will have to help me with calculus when I get to university. I pictured that.....both of us sitting in the beautiful UBC library....snuggling.....learning...him trying to teach me stuff....me being completely unafraid when telling him I don't understand a thing he just said....it would have been perfect. But now he's going to Waterloo. He's going away.
This perfect plan of mine...he's just ruined it. Smashed, shattered, crushed it into so many, many pieces, it isn't even funny. My perfect plan isn't feasible anymore. It just doesn't work with him 4,299 km away....it doesn't work if he's a day and sixteen hours away from here. It doesn't work if he's all the way on the other side of this freaking country! Why?!
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?! Why does he have to do this to me?! Why did I have to fall in love with a guy who plans to continue his education so far away? Why did he have to chose his career over me? Why do both of us have to be poor enough to worry about money? Why do I have to cry? Why does he have "decide"? Why does this word have to be so cruel? And as if I wasn't already mad enough, someone I really, really don't like WILL be going to UBC with me. How on earth am I going to survive the rest of my education with my very, very detested "friend" and without the love of my life?! TELL ME!
And to make matters worse, I'M going to UBC, his old home is going to be to a one minute car ride away, a fifteen minute walk away.....I'm going to be there every. Single. Day. And he won't be. I'm going to pass by his home everyday...on my way TO UBC, and on my way BACK home. And I am going to CRY. Every single time I pass by his place. Because, GAH, I hate this. It's torture. I don't want to do this....I don't want any of this.
He promised to protect me. Tell me, how is he going to do that across the country? If there's a bad guy in my house, if I get injured, broke my leg, my arm, my...neck....say I...jumped off a building, "accidentally" set the house on fire, "accidentally" cut myself across the wrist....neck...stomach. What can he do about it? Nothing. With him gone....with him so far away...there's nothing he can do. Nothing at all. And by the time he comes...it'll be too late.
I wish I could threaten him to stay, guilt him into staying. But....I couldn't. I shouldn't. That would be mean...and selfish. I'd be a terrible person. There's nothing I can do but let him live his life. And...wait....to see if he comes back.
I'm going to miss so much more of his life. And the only thing I can do about it is "watch". He's going to make new friends, he's going to become involved in other activities...he's going to meet other girls...no doubt prettier and smarter than me. They'll even have the same interests as him. He's going to love them. And he'll forget all about me. His stupid, pathetic girlfriend that "accidentally" got pushed to the back of his mind while he was having fun doing....stuff. And if that doesn't happen...he'll come back changed. A different person, maybe. It'll be like....taking nine hundred thousand steps back. We might have to start over again...if he even wants to start over again, maybe he'll come just to say goodbye...because he's a gentleman like that. He wouldn't do it over a text message.
I should be more like my friend Pany. She met this guy on the sky train once. She thought he was cute, he showed some interest. But she wasn't just about looks, either. She had to assess him. Ask him where he planned to study, what he planned to study, what he wanted to do with his life, how he acts, how he treats girls. If I had done that....if I had found out all this information from him at the beginning....if I had known he would leave Vancouver...leave British Columbia in the near future...would I have still.....still....
*sigh*
Pany is so lucky. Her boyfriend chose to go to the same university as her (they're even in the same program). He turned down this prestigious school in the United States to be with her. It's so sweet. And she's so incredibly lucky. They'll be together...take the same classes, have the same classmates, have the same professors. She'd be living my dream. MY DREAM!
I rarely get mad, especially at him. Really. I'd like to think I have pretty great self-control. But...now....I think I'm mad. I'm just not quite sure at whom or what yet.
I remember last summer, my uncle told me that he thought Patrick was a really great guy, and that I should keep him close. He told me that if we were still together next year, he'd let him come over to his apartment. That meant a lot to me....but now....I don't know. Will he ever get to go over to visit my uncle's place?
I wanted to bring him for family dinners. My mom actually brought that up first. We have these fancy family dinner every Christmas, Thanksgiving, (Chinese) New Year. I wanted to invite him. I wanted him to be...a part of my family. Let him taste the good food! I never eat much because I'm so picky, but I'm sure HE'LL appreciate the food. I'd love to just...spend the night with him.....come to think of it...I don't think I've ever had dinner with him before?
Stupid hope. I hate it. I have too much of it. It's going to be hope that kills me. Can a person die of an aching heart? He can't get mad at me for dying of an aching heart, right? I mean...it's not like I CHOSE to die...it wouldn't be suicide. Well, at least now....if he ever had any doubt that I didn't love him (and I'm sure he did), I hope....I hope he doesn't doubt anymore. But who knows...maybe he'll still doubt my love for him. He's always worried I'll leave him...or cheat on him....maybe if I die of heartbreak, he'll be convinced. Or maybe he'll just think that I couldn't live with the guilt of cheating on him or something ridiculous like that. Maybe if dying of heartbreak is what it'll take to convince him.....maybe....just maybe, I'll.....
Today is quite possibly the saddest day of my life. The words I've been dreading to hear...have finally been said.
Today started out like any other day.
Except I was happy! Happier than usual! Especially happy when he finally got back from his hiking trip. Happy, happy, happy.
Fast forward a few hours later....and I end up finding out that his mom told him to pay the deposit for Waterloo. Tonight.
My heart sank.....so....so....low.
Several messages later, I find out that 50/50 has now become 100/0. He's not coming to UBC with me. He's going to Waterloo. Because his mom, and pretty much EVERYONE else told him to.
I warned him before already that I would be mad if he ended up going to Waterloo. I asked him to forgive me. I want to be happy for him, I really do. But I also don't want him to leave me. For...who knows how long?!
I was so angry....so upset. Reasoning and future plans aside (because I really couldn't think reasonably at that point), I started to think about how if I were...prettier...smarter...just BETTER in general, I'd be enough to keep him here. But it seems I'm not. I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I'm BAD. And...remind me again why he's still with me?
*sigh*
I'm so upset. I was at my grandma's house when he broke the news to me....and I really wanted to cry...but with both my siblings in the same room as me...I couldn't. Instead, I had to STUDY for my literature test tomorrow!
UGH.
I don't know....I mean..I guess...somewhere....deep...somewhere....I knew that him going to Waterloo was a definite possibility...but can you blame me for wanting to believe otherwise? Can you blame me for hoping against all hope that...he would choose me? To stay with me? I mean, sure....he says that him going to Waterloo will be better for OUR future...but what if...what if...our relationship can't survive this? What then? There won't be a relationship worth planning for. What then?
I get it. It IS his life...and he....can do whatever he wants to do with it. I'm only his girlfriend for...what...a year and a half? And that's nothing compared to the rest of his life....compared to what his MOTHER wants. I don't really have much power...
I admit....I'm DREAMED about going to the same school as him. Ever since we had this one conversation....I'm been DREAMING, HOPING, that even though I missed so much of his life, and he's missed so much of mine (read: elementary school, secondary school), I'd finally have a chance of going to the same school as him.
We might have classes together! We could walk to them together! We could sit together! Oh, we'd pay 100% attention to the teacher, for sure! He'd playfully nudge me every now and then...flick me...maybe even sneak in a kiss or two! It would have been wonderful...absolutely wonderful. We would have had the same professors, same classmates....we would finally know the same classmates...same professors....we could talk about them...we'd have stuff IN COMMON. I've always wanted a friend who I felt this comfortable with...someone who knew the same people I did, someone I could talk to...and not have to explain my whole life story in order for them to get it....I've....dreamed....hoped.....this could have been a very true reality for me....
Side note: he's mentioned several times (when I was struggling with the math side of thing) that he will have to help me with calculus when I get to university. I pictured that.....both of us sitting in the beautiful UBC library....snuggling.....learning...him trying to teach me stuff....me being completely unafraid when telling him I don't understand a thing he just said....it would have been perfect. But now he's going to Waterloo. He's going away.
This perfect plan of mine...he's just ruined it. Smashed, shattered, crushed it into so many, many pieces, it isn't even funny. My perfect plan isn't feasible anymore. It just doesn't work with him 4,299 km away....it doesn't work if he's a day and sixteen hours away from here. It doesn't work if he's all the way on the other side of this freaking country! Why?!
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?! Why does he have to do this to me?! Why did I have to fall in love with a guy who plans to continue his education so far away? Why did he have to chose his career over me? Why do both of us have to be poor enough to worry about money? Why do I have to cry? Why does he have "decide"? Why does this word have to be so cruel? And as if I wasn't already mad enough, someone I really, really don't like WILL be going to UBC with me. How on earth am I going to survive the rest of my education with my very, very detested "friend" and without the love of my life?! TELL ME!
And to make matters worse, I'M going to UBC, his old home is going to be to a one minute car ride away, a fifteen minute walk away.....I'm going to be there every. Single. Day. And he won't be. I'm going to pass by his home everyday...on my way TO UBC, and on my way BACK home. And I am going to CRY. Every single time I pass by his place. Because, GAH, I hate this. It's torture. I don't want to do this....I don't want any of this.
He promised to protect me. Tell me, how is he going to do that across the country? If there's a bad guy in my house, if I get injured, broke my leg, my arm, my...neck....say I...jumped off a building, "accidentally" set the house on fire, "accidentally" cut myself across the wrist....neck...stomach. What can he do about it? Nothing. With him gone....with him so far away...there's nothing he can do. Nothing at all. And by the time he comes...it'll be too late.
I wish I could threaten him to stay, guilt him into staying. But....I couldn't. I shouldn't. That would be mean...and selfish. I'd be a terrible person. There's nothing I can do but let him live his life. And...wait....to see if he comes back.
I'm going to miss so much more of his life. And the only thing I can do about it is "watch". He's going to make new friends, he's going to become involved in other activities...he's going to meet other girls...no doubt prettier and smarter than me. They'll even have the same interests as him. He's going to love them. And he'll forget all about me. His stupid, pathetic girlfriend that "accidentally" got pushed to the back of his mind while he was having fun doing....stuff. And if that doesn't happen...he'll come back changed. A different person, maybe. It'll be like....taking nine hundred thousand steps back. We might have to start over again...if he even wants to start over again, maybe he'll come just to say goodbye...because he's a gentleman like that. He wouldn't do it over a text message.
I should be more like my friend Pany. She met this guy on the sky train once. She thought he was cute, he showed some interest. But she wasn't just about looks, either. She had to assess him. Ask him where he planned to study, what he planned to study, what he wanted to do with his life, how he acts, how he treats girls. If I had done that....if I had found out all this information from him at the beginning....if I had known he would leave Vancouver...leave British Columbia in the near future...would I have still.....still....
*sigh*
Pany is so lucky. Her boyfriend chose to go to the same university as her (they're even in the same program). He turned down this prestigious school in the United States to be with her. It's so sweet. And she's so incredibly lucky. They'll be together...take the same classes, have the same classmates, have the same professors. She'd be living my dream. MY DREAM!
I rarely get mad, especially at him. Really. I'd like to think I have pretty great self-control. But...now....I think I'm mad. I'm just not quite sure at whom or what yet.
I remember last summer, my uncle told me that he thought Patrick was a really great guy, and that I should keep him close. He told me that if we were still together next year, he'd let him come over to his apartment. That meant a lot to me....but now....I don't know. Will he ever get to go over to visit my uncle's place?
I wanted to bring him for family dinners. My mom actually brought that up first. We have these fancy family dinner every Christmas, Thanksgiving, (Chinese) New Year. I wanted to invite him. I wanted him to be...a part of my family. Let him taste the good food! I never eat much because I'm so picky, but I'm sure HE'LL appreciate the food. I'd love to just...spend the night with him.....come to think of it...I don't think I've ever had dinner with him before?
Stupid hope. I hate it. I have too much of it. It's going to be hope that kills me. Can a person die of an aching heart? He can't get mad at me for dying of an aching heart, right? I mean...it's not like I CHOSE to die...it wouldn't be suicide. Well, at least now....if he ever had any doubt that I didn't love him (and I'm sure he did), I hope....I hope he doesn't doubt anymore. But who knows...maybe he'll still doubt my love for him. He's always worried I'll leave him...or cheat on him....maybe if I die of heartbreak, he'll be convinced. Or maybe he'll just think that I couldn't live with the guilt of cheating on him or something ridiculous like that. Maybe if dying of heartbreak is what it'll take to convince him.....maybe....just maybe, I'll.....
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Thanks for the comment, PATRICK!